I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think a failure to communicate effectively on my part is the reason why almost everyone thinks I'm stupid. I can't speak to save my life - and by that I mean say anything substantial in a face-to-face conversation. I think it's largely because I'm so shy: I don't like to speak my thoughts as soon as they enter my head, because there's no way of discerning how they'll manifest themselves on their way up my throat. When I do, all that comes out is something a five year old would say. It really sucks because often, there's something I really wanna get across, but I lack any articulacy to do it, so I just keep it wedged in the deep. 95% of the time, what I'm saying doesn't reflect what I'm thinking. It's like... like translating a phrase from one language into another: you can't do it literally because it won't make any sense. So when I'm having a conversation in the flesh, I play it safe and only use small words. Sometimes I'll be daring and really push myself to get my point across, but it almost always ends in failure, and the other person's just like, 'Er... yeah. Anyway...'

As cliché as it is, if I had a penny for every time I've been brushed aside as the 'slow' one, or asked if I have special needs, I would be the richest woman alive. Consequential of the way everyone seems to perceive me is a lacking to non-existent respect in my direction from said everyone. It's actually astounding the way so many people -- and I'm talking handfuls and handfuls of them -- have this condescending tone reserved just for me. They address everyone else as an equal, but when I enter the conversation, it's just like, 'Here we go... girl who makes no sense. Just put up with her till we can leave'.

I was talking to Tom about this, and he thinks the forerunner of my communication problems is internet addiction - and I think he might be right. Too much MSN-ing and not enough real life interaction with real life people can be the only explanation for my inability to express what I'm thinking - that and maybe a bad haul from the gene pool (as in, my parents didn't share their good genes with me - only their bad). I find it so much easier to get my point across on paper or online, because my mind just seems to get on so much better with my fingers than my mouth. My mind and my mouth are sworn enemies I reckon.

I feel like a spirit trapped in a shell: the spirit knows what's going on, and it knows what it wants to do, but the shell calls the shots. The shell decides when the spirit can reveal itself and how much of itself it can reveal. The spirit will never be free, because it wasted its developing years alone at the computer, and now time's up in its development - the chance to grow out of the shell has gone.

I'm not trying to say I'm the Brains of Britain -- I'm really not, I know that -- but I know I'm not quite as senile as almost everyone seems to think. Can I just say, you guys reading this, because I know who you all are, thank you for treating me with respect, and I'm sorry for the times I don't reciprocate (this is especially addressed at Tom, who really does bear the brunt of my moods). You're among the very few. Not even my dad gives me a chance when the school hunts me down over something trivial and blows it totally out of proportion. It's just the dope's word against the institution's, so naturally the latter wins. I got my school report posted yesterday, and he gave me this massive lecture about not putting in enough effort: 'Some people have to work harder than others!' He put it gently, I'll give him that, but I know how dumb he thinks I am. I'm gonna quit my job any minute now (tehe), because I really can't bear any more lectures.

I really hate that wherever you go in life, you've got to be able to produce a high standard of your language, whether oral or written - mainly oral. This is why I'm looking for factory jobs for when I leave school soon - my customer service skills at McDonald's were just so bad that I had no choice but to quit, and a factory is one of the few places without any of that. I'd love to work at McVitie's, or Weetabix. (CATS, REMEMBER TO ASK!)

I'm so sick of school. Hate all my subjects. BORING.

This is brilliant xD

I know full well that sexism is still a huge problem today, but when it comes to men telling women to smile... I just don't get how that's sexist! Can someone please explain?! Everywhere I look, people are going on about eeeeet.

So I got my results yesterday, and they were better than I was expecting: a C in Philosophy and a D in Law. Not great obviously, but at least I've got some more points under my belt. To get an overall C in Law I'll need to get 64/120 in the next exam, so although I've had my foot off the accelerator for a while, the finish line is still within reach.

The other day though, I was talking to my dad about how amazing it is that after 14 years of a life bound by the institution of school, its very cadence perpetually hijacked by said institution, I'll be free just like that on June 16th -- on like, another planet, if you get what I mean. He went apoplectic and started foaming about how ungrateful I am for this free education I've been given that millions would do anything for etc. And he's right, don't get me wrong for a second, he really is. It is so depressing that I've never shown any interest in or given more than five minutes' attention to any aspect of my education, when there are unimaginable numbers of people who'd've given it their absolute all if they'd been born into a life as hilariously easy as mine. It really is unbelieveable when you -- well, I - I can only speak for myself -- sit back and think, 'I could've been born at any moment in time, in any place -- in the prehistoric era, in the crusades, in the Holocaust, in Syria today, in Somalia today, in North Korea today, in basically any one country out of however many wartorn and repressive regimes it is on this earth -- yet I was born into more or less the easiest and most uneventful life... like... ever. And I've taken it so for granted. This placement should not be mine, and I have no excuse not to give it up to someone else.

Alas, it would be folly not to finish what I've started, when the end is but 3 months away. I've decided not to go to uni -- doubt I'd even get in anywhere -- and this dream of going to NZ and Australia with Tom may have to stay a dream for another year or two. I've been looking everywhere for a new job (oh I work at Avon now btw - don't think I've said that here) since Avon doesn't pay very well. Well it's alright, but, y'knaw. But yeah, been looking everywhere for a new job to pay for the travelling, and if I don't get hired by the summer, I'm not gonna have enough time to gain £778 for the plane ticket - and then there's supplies and equipment and... pram. I found an apprenticeship thing that starts in September, and it lasts one year, and it's for something I don't... really get. I rang up, and they said the signing up period starts on April 1st, so yer I'mma sign.

What else... Ah yeah, I really wanna cycle everywhere in the UK over the summer, since I probably won't have a job. 'Sgonna take some cajoling to get Cats and Tawm to join me, but I'm sure I can shake 'em. I'll ride my bike alone tomorrow since they live 60 and 200 miles away respectively, and I never have anyone to hang out with here. My favourite route is this 13-mile route along the canal that I can do in 1 hour (is that good or bad?!), which I'll do tomorrow if it's not raining. Gotta start revising tomorrow as well - doubt I will though obviously, because I know myself.

So yeah that's about it really. 'NIT.